The Universe

It's been forever since I have written. Not trying to make excuses, but it's for some great reasons.

I got a new job that I LOVE and moved two hours away in my hometown. It sounds like a bittersweet fairytale, but boy am I blessed.

Last year was one of the worst years of my life. I endured brutal heartbreak, rejection, betrayal, abandonment and serious financial hardship. I wasn't sure why all of it was happening to me. In my opinion, I was a good person. I worked hard and did my best to make good decisions.
If I could go back, I wouldn't have taken even one terrible day.

I couldn't get out of bed and I shared some of my journey on my blog when I could bear to type the words of my reality. The first thing I reached for was a book. And then another. And then another. Those books saved my life, and they got me more than just out of that bed. They got me out of that life.

I journaled. Every night. It gave meaning to everyday and I could see my progress on paper. At the end of every page, I ended the entry with a positive thought. Most common sentence was "great things are coming." It didn't appear that way all the time, but I know blessings were around the corner. It was a reaaaalllyy wide corner, but it came.

I am strong. The strongest I have ever been. My mind is sharper and I am aware of every single move I make in life. I have become keenly aware of my actions and decisions. To be honest, I thought the person I am wouldn't come until my 30's. I have a lot of work to do, but I am happy with where I am.

In the past year, after each hardship, I changed a huge part of my life. Something incredible came of it.

My breakup ridded me of someone who didn't love me and didn't deserve me. She came back, but it was too late. I found my worth, and I no longer settle in life.

I conquered my driving anxiety, which was a five year battle.

I read 10 books last year that changed my life.

I developed a fantastic relationship with food and improved my health beyond what I ever imagined.

I found a huge passion for cooking.

I started my career and met some of the most beautiful people.

I paid off all of my interest-baring debt! (This is huge. I had A LOT. ha)

I make good decisions. Almost consistently. Even as small as not hitting snooze on my alarm in the mornings.

All I can say is I am just beyond blessed. I knew things would get better. They had to, but I had no idea the amount of blessing that would flood through just from me taking responsibility for my life and my pain. I demanded things turn around, and they more than did.

I couldn't be more blessed, and I am nowhere near where I want to be. I have so many dreams ahead of me.

Whole

Today I was talking to someone about filling voids. This is something that I have recently learned and became aware of in my journey of personal development.

In my past, after every breakup, I went to everything to fill my voids. The losses drove me to drugs, alcohol, food and plenty of rebound relationships. There were times I became a serial dater and picked up terrible habits along the way. I hit each wall one by one after each new struggle. I tried to tell my ex that she needed to be alone after our breakup. She didn't agree or understand this and I didn't know how to explain why because I had never conquered it. I just knew it was the right path.

After each loss, we turn to things to fill that void. And once we begin to heal, sometimes we will stop continuing our destructive behavior and move on to something else to fill our void that we aren't aware is still there. We go out into the world and spend the rest of our lives to fill our voids and we never stay happy. We over eat, we over spend, we over drink and we make a ton of mistakes along the way.

I feel the key to the perfect life is to be whole. And the perfect life does not mean perfect circumstances.
When I think about the people I know, I am not sure that I know anyone who appears to be perfectly whole. No one thinks about this factor, especially when we experience pain. Our goal at that time is survival, which is whatever we can do to make the pain bearable.

When we aren't whole, relationships don't work and we aren't happy when our "void fillers" don't work out. When we're broke, we can't try to fulfill ourselves with material objects or alcohol. When we over eat, we gain weight and create a whole new void to fill in our self esteem. When we go in for the rebound, the excitement dies and we hurt other people. No matter which way we turn, if we turn anywhere outside of ourselves, it's a dead end.

The only way to fill our many voids is to do it ourselves, with ourselves, within ourselves. People with everything can still be depressed and people with nothing can be the happiest people on earth. Because they are whole. They don't need anything or anyone to feel secure, fulfilled and happy. If only everyone was aware of that. You must be alone at some point to be whole after a tragedy. And I don't mean without support. I mean without a void filler. You must look within.

Going through the steps towards being whole makes me understand what it means and more able to explain its importance. I am committed to my path and nothing will stand in my way.

You will never be free until you complete yourself.

"The Last Hurrah"

I just found out some news that I thought would have destroyed me. And it didn't.

Seeing and feeling my reaction to it is an amazing experience. A few months ago, I would have been crying myself to sleep or not to sleep. It would have taken me forever to feel okay again. I am in a new place these days. This time, I feel fine.

The universe works in amazing ways. I will say that it always has my back. Everything works out in the best ways for me. Bad things happen, but they have incredible outcomes. INCREDIBLE. The past few months have been so rough, but I feel better than I ever have in my entire life. The things I have learned about myself and the person I have become because of this journey has changed me, and made my world a whole lot brighter.

I read a book once about getting yourself through a breakup called, The Breakup Bible. It always sounds so silly when I say it out loud. But anyways, in the book it talks about "the last hurrah". The last hurrah is a single incident that helps you see the light of day and finally lets you get over them. It happens when you're standing at the edge and the only thing between you and being over your ex is jumping. Then. The last hurrah comes. and you jump.
I had many moments that felt like this, but I could feel that they weren't it. THIS feels like my last hurrah. It was my final push and I couldn't be more grateful for it.

I thought she changed. That was an illusion, and my mind couldn't feel more clear right now. I am growing into a woman of high worth and I refuse to settle. Taking someone back that has done THIS many things to me makes the word "settling" a complete understatement.

My mind isn't on love. It's on myself. It's easy to feel like you'll never find someone to love as much as you love your ex. I know that couldn't be further from the truth, but I am at a place where I am actually okay with that if it means not being with someone who isn't honest or trustworthy. I am above that. And I can't wait to start and continue this new journey with myself.

Cheers to the universe. You always send me blessings.

Butterfly

Boy is life crazy. So much has happened in the last few months for me that some days I wonder how I am still breathing.
Because this time has passed, I can actually look back and see so much progress. I took steps back, but I am moving forward again. My ex recently moved out and I am learning what it's like to live alone. After our breakup, she left all the time and would be gone for days. It was rough, but I learned a lot about myself. The only difference now is this time, she's not coming home.

My life has changed a lot, but not as much as I have. When I think about how I used to view myself, I feel like I was just here. I didn't really have a view of myself and I had a very narrow idea of what I wanted for myself in my daily life. This significantly hindered my growth and I could not be more grateful to have the opportunity to be able to view myself.
My connection with my spirit has grown. My spiritual growth is on fire and I'm burning brighter everyday. I found a more healthy relationship with food, and realized that I had a poor relationship before. I rarely ate and I would just eat the easiest thing I could find. Now I eat all organic and prepare all of my meals. I feel better and the cooking burns some alone time for me. It becomes a nice date with myself that I look forward to.
I have finally created an awesome support group. I have the best friends now that are truly there for me. They are thoughtful and listen when I have a lot to say and they give me great insight to my situation and my feelings. They're so understanding and show me a good time when I need one. I couldn't ask for more.
With all of this extra alone time I have, I feel creative again. I make things. I sing and I am drawing again. I haven't drawn something in months. It is such a release for me. I am a creator. Just like my father. It's so therapeutic and makes me feel like me. I even have the urge to write more. My journal is almost full and I can't wait to start my new one.

This journey has become a positive one for me. I have even made a bucket list of things I want to experience right away. I have finally gone from a depressed and shooken woman to one full of joy and hope for the future. I still have a process ahead of me, but I have finally started blooming.

My White Flag

Even though it is far over due, I am finally fed up. I have been heartbroken the past month and I am finally at a point where I want to put it all behind me.
I have talked for the past couple weeks about shifting my focus. I found that the statement is really easy to say. I am going to shift my focus. I quickly realized that it was much harder to do. It took me some time to figure out exactly how I was going to accomplish this courageous and beneficial task. I've always loved a plan, and now I have one.
I have learned over the past year working on self-development that everything begins with a decision, and you have to mean it. That is what I am making now. A decision to not just say or think about shifting my focus, but doing it. I need to use this new beginning to accomplish my dreams.
I refuse to rebound. It won't do a thing for me in the long-run, and definitely won't help me accomplish my dreams.
One thing I am grateful for is that I have not lost my confidence. I know my worth and I have never came out of a breakup chanting that, let me tell you. Breakups can make you feel knocked down and worthless. I did feel somewhat worthless to my ex, but only in her eyes. Not in my own. I know there is someone amazing out there for me. Someone spiritual, beautiful, loves to travel, full of culture and class. I can't wait to meet that woman.
So, here is my white flag. I am putting my hands up and moving on. I have done it a thousand times before. I will no longer stay in the same spot. I will keep my feet moving towards something much better than you. Which isn't a random person to distract me. It's myself. 
This hard time is my test and I plan to pass it with flying colors.