The War Begins

Today was another turning point. I was left again.
It's nothing too new considering we just got back together from our first breakup; although, this time is somewhat different. She doesn't want to sleep with me like she did before. We have never had separate sleep routines and I guess that's hard for me.
It seems like she doesn't even care, but I feel that she does. She's always been that way. I think I seem to take things harder because I am a firm believer in facing your feelings. No matter how hard that may be. The things she pushes aside, I constantly think about. Sometimes even stupid things.
I'll never be able to kiss her again or sleep with her. When I'm sad, I can't just crawl into her arms until I feel better. Should we still grocery shop together? Do I move out? Who will I be with next? Should I join something new?
Just flows of feelings that I know she doesn't even let herself think about. That's another thing too. She is never a thinker and she often can't explain her actions. I guess the hardest thing about our two sudden breakups is that they aren't over anything horrible. We weren't fighting everyday, no one cheated and no one fell out of love. It always came down to the same stupid thing. Differences.
I guess the biggest is the age difference. She can be right where she is supposed to be, yet still feel lost.
Maybe none of this matters, but my mind is world-wind of thoughts. I could seriously write a book on them and analyze them all into a ramble of even more thoughts.

The only thing that matters is that we aren't together anymore. Everyone has gone through breakups and heartbreak. Luckily, I always handled them in healthy ways since I was 16 years old thanks to a friend of mine that is a few years older. She taught me the true ways of handling a breakup and moving on with your life. The credit belongs to her for my huge leap into a healthy mind at such a young age.
Looking back, once all the heartbreak is over, some of the happiest times of my life were when I was going through a breakup. So much changed and I gained so much insight that I was too blind to see when I was in a relationship. My true growing points are through tough times and I refer to them as war. It's war to me because some days, even getting out of bed seems impossible. And that's pretty intense that such a simple everyday task can seem so daunting.
I will say, through my stream of wars, I have never lost one and I believe anyone who endures these wars the right way can't lose either.

This time is about me. And although I am heartbroken and will continue to be all over again the next time I notice she left something in my bedroom, I am still excited to do everything for me and not have the stresses of making sure someone else is happy.
It's my turn now, and eventually one day, someone will fall in love with me again and they will appreciate everything I have to offer and never let it go or give up on it.

My Big Leap

I haven't been writing lately which is probably the best time in my life to write. I am currently going through a crazy transition in my life. I have left my previous partner of 2 years and 7 months. Our breakup came as no surprise to me. I was completely prepared for it. I even wanted it. I have just recently moved out of our once comfortable and homey apartment. The comfortableness quickly vanished after our breakup. It has been a ludicrous adjustment. My life is totally different now. It all happened so fast. I have a new apartment sleeping in a new room with one less cat that I had fell in love with, raising him from a kitten. I now have to reach far to turn on my lamp, wake up to a different view out of my window, and not have the sound of someone already being awake roaming through the bedroom in the mornings. Everything is different. I feel like I went to bed one night and woke up the next morning in someone else's bedroom and living someone else's life. For the first time in a long time, I'm alone. It isn't necessarily a horrible feeling, but I struggle with it some days. I'm used to having my best friend (my ex partner) next to me. That is all gone now. The security is gone, the comfortableness, everything. I guess there are new things to be seen and new people to meet. I'm up for the challenge.
I feel that you can get a lot from leaping out of your comfort zone. You can experience things you never thought you would. This was my big leap. I'm excited to see what is coming for me.

God is Love

     I just recently watched a documentary that did not change my views but reinforced them. I am not what you would probably consider a "strictly religious person." I have very open-minded views. Although, I would not call them open-minded, but most people in our society would. I guess the problem I have with most religions and churches are their motivation for shame. They pick out these rules and make exceptions for others. Rules are fine. I do have a problem with them when they are used to grow prejudice, hate, and revenge. We all know as human beings in society that the main reason for our world destruction is hate. Hate is what makes our world so evil. Hate is the reason people are killed, raped, or beaten. It is the root of war and the opposite of love. The only thing that will make this world a better place is love.
     Why do "religious people" feel they have the right to judge others? All because their church says bad things about minority groups and acts that are not common. Why do these churches and people affiliated with them use "God" and "hate" in the same sentences?? Do people really believe that God HATES? Sadly, I already know the answer to that is yes. Some of these people live their lives around what not to do or what kind of people to not be around. This just diverts people from the beautiful things in life rather than embracing them. I feel like these are simply poor thoughts. They pick out scriptures and rules out of the bible to follow for their own liking and our current culture. Why is it okay to divorce but not be gay? Why can someone preach the ten commandments and then turn around and judge someone else for not following them? I cannot help but wonder; although, it is probably irrelevant as far as why people do these things.

hearts.

A couple years ago I lost a friend to a motorcycle accident. She was one of the most amazing people I had ever met. She was smart, talented, hardworking, happy, and a friend to anyone who walked her path. When I attended her funeral there were a few people who spoke. They of course said great things about her. Most would agree that at most funerals only great things are said about them, but everything they said was unbelievably true. It was not a show for the funeral nor the lack of ability to say something bad about someone who had passed on. She really was that great of a person. This got me thinking. I wonder what people would say at my funeral? Would they bluff and just say nice things for the sake of my funeral? How many people do that at funerals?
This made me want to be sure that I made a good impact or impression on everyone that has walked into my life. I have slipped up before, but for the most part I have never really done a harmful thing to anyone. Not to lose my humbleness, but  I wish everyone had a heart like mine. I think the world would be happier.
I guess my personal definition of self worth is how great of a person you are. This starts with your heart. My friend, Vanessa had a great one and even though she left far too soon, everyone knew it. I guess my heart can speak for myself when I say that I care about everyone. Maybe even too much at times. As long as I stand my ground when I need to, I don't see how this could ever be the wrong path.

Hearts can save this world. <3 

twenty

I was thinking a few days ago how hard it really is to be 20 years old. You aren't exactly a full "adult" and you aren't really a child or teenager either. I feel like some days are a tug of war between being young and being responsible. Being responsible has never been very hard for me, but some days I have urges to spend money I shouldn't, party on days I shouldn't, and be somewhat forgetful about important things. Mistakes are sometimes common, but always fixed. Sometimes I like to blame my wrongs on my age even though there isn't any excuse. I guess through my personal tug of war, my adult side should always win. (which it always does) You learn when you get older that when you make childish mistakes, you don't get childish consequences. That's for sure. The freedom is worth it though. People used to always tell me I should dread growing up. I always felt like they said these things to make me feel young and ignorant. In defense for the younger me, I wasn't. And now that I am older and on my own, you get over the fact that you have to pay bills. It's a part of life, but there is nothing better than making it somewhere on your own.