The War Begins

Today was another turning point. I was left again.
It's nothing too new considering we just got back together from our first breakup; although, this time is somewhat different. She doesn't want to sleep with me like she did before. We have never had separate sleep routines and I guess that's hard for me.
It seems like she doesn't even care, but I feel that she does. She's always been that way. I think I seem to take things harder because I am a firm believer in facing your feelings. No matter how hard that may be. The things she pushes aside, I constantly think about. Sometimes even stupid things.
I'll never be able to kiss her again or sleep with her. When I'm sad, I can't just crawl into her arms until I feel better. Should we still grocery shop together? Do I move out? Who will I be with next? Should I join something new?
Just flows of feelings that I know she doesn't even let herself think about. That's another thing too. She is never a thinker and she often can't explain her actions. I guess the hardest thing about our two sudden breakups is that they aren't over anything horrible. We weren't fighting everyday, no one cheated and no one fell out of love. It always came down to the same stupid thing. Differences.
I guess the biggest is the age difference. She can be right where she is supposed to be, yet still feel lost.
Maybe none of this matters, but my mind is world-wind of thoughts. I could seriously write a book on them and analyze them all into a ramble of even more thoughts.

The only thing that matters is that we aren't together anymore. Everyone has gone through breakups and heartbreak. Luckily, I always handled them in healthy ways since I was 16 years old thanks to a friend of mine that is a few years older. She taught me the true ways of handling a breakup and moving on with your life. The credit belongs to her for my huge leap into a healthy mind at such a young age.
Looking back, once all the heartbreak is over, some of the happiest times of my life were when I was going through a breakup. So much changed and I gained so much insight that I was too blind to see when I was in a relationship. My true growing points are through tough times and I refer to them as war. It's war to me because some days, even getting out of bed seems impossible. And that's pretty intense that such a simple everyday task can seem so daunting.
I will say, through my stream of wars, I have never lost one and I believe anyone who endures these wars the right way can't lose either.

This time is about me. And although I am heartbroken and will continue to be all over again the next time I notice she left something in my bedroom, I am still excited to do everything for me and not have the stresses of making sure someone else is happy.
It's my turn now, and eventually one day, someone will fall in love with me again and they will appreciate everything I have to offer and never let it go or give up on it.